Letting it out

Faxing out my defeat

When we first made the decision to move, I had planned on just renting a moving truck and having my parents come down to assist with loading the vehicle.  I knew it would be a lot of work packing while working, but I knew I would find a way to get it done. 

This past summer when my mom was visiting, my dad got on the phone and told me that he was paying for movers to move me.  He explained that he would lose quite a bit of money by taking off a week of work, and knew that it would be hard for me to do all of this on my own.  For most people, they would be jumping up and down cheering, screaming, and just plain ecstatic.  I, though, am very far from normal.  I was crying because I felt defeated.  I hate, hate, HATE asking for help and have an even harder time accepting help, especially from my parents.  I feel that my parents have done their job already and I shouldn't have to ask or need their assistance any more.  So, when my dad offered these services, I tried to turn down his offer over and over again - because I knew there was no way we could afford to help out with the cost of movers.  I felt, and still feel, as if I am failing them.  Their daughter is losing those attributes that they worked so hard to instill in her.  Who am I becoming?   

All of these feelings have come to the forefront as I have just signed my name to a contract with a moving company.  As I get ready to fax over the contract I feel as if I'm rolling over and allowing life to take over and consume me.  I have been defeated. 

No lesson was learned

It is rare that I will spend the $100 to get my hair cut and colored, rare.  Yes, I know you are "supposed" to go every 6 weeks at the minimum, but to me it is a waste of money that I could spend on other much more needed items or wants.  When my mom was here in July she paid for me to get my hair professionally styled (which was about 4 hours).  I loved my hair, but I missed being with my family for those 4 hours.  Sick, I know.  Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy some "me" time, but not when it happens all of the time or for too long of a time.  

Yesterday Cody and I went out for the day kid-free, while we were out, I got a trim and decided to pick up some hair dye to get rid of my roots from that July hair color.  Well, I should have known better to buy a brand I had never tried, should have known.  But, I was thinking, "Oh, it's an all natural product, even better!"  Well.....after coloring and rinsing, I had orangish red hair, more orange than red colored hair that did not take all over.  I still looked like I had roots, some blond at the ends, and brown streaks all over.  It was a hot, hot, hot mess.  I spent the night and early morning searching diligently for some salons (thatI knew of) to be open today, but no luck.  What does someone do when they know they will have to face middle school students in just a few short days?  Wait another day or two possibly until I could get into a salon?  Or, oh yeah, buy another box of hair dye and try it all over again. 

Do I think I have learned anything from home dye jobs?  Nope, not even a one. 

Final outcome:  My hair is no longer orange, and has more of a dark brown hue to it and I'm much happier than last night. 

Hint of blue

First, thank you for all the virtual hugs, support, and love.  Truly appreciated from the bottom of my sad, sad heart.

Deployment meeting came and went.  We shuffled through stations grabbing flyers, signatures, wills, poa's, and loads of information.  This time around we received a lot more for the kids than I had in the past:  deployment video to help explain it in their terms, hard covered books for each of them where we can add a picture on each page of daddy, dog tags to put pictures of dad on them, and one (we got the last one) daddy doll that is dressed in uniform and has a spot for you to put a picture of dad.  All of it sits in a bag that I have not even dared to look at.  I simply can't. 

Tuesday, at the latest, our big news will be shared.  It's been a long time coming, I know, but it had to be the right time. 

To take a break from all this dreary news, I have the babies' 1 year pictures. 

 

 

 

For some odd reason, the one we ordered of Eligh is not showing up on the website. 

 

Oily water

To many it appears as if there are few happy moments in my life, especially with all the depressing news that seems to come screaming across the screen day in and day out.  Lately, I just seem to be hit with a wave of oil-contaminated water.  Unfortunately, I already know that the water just won't be clearly blue for quite some time. 

Addyson went into the doctor yesterday with dad for an underlying issue that when I found out the diagnosis, I felt the water just get darker.  I should have noticed sooner or looked more closely.  What kind of mom am I that I didn't do these things?  It was a problem once before, so it is just my stupidity.  Hitting head off the wall for being so neglecting of my daughter's health.  With this also comes some deeper and even heavier questions dealing with her future and whether or not she could also be faced with infertility.  Signs I know were present with me but until the recent years have not been truly able to understand.  I don't even know that there are answers to those questions, and more than likely I won't know anything until much later in her life, but again I feel the guilt of this all.

Reality has hit with Cody leaving.  He has official orders and we are attending his deployment meeting tomorrow.  Done deal.  The anxiety building up to him leaving is nearly unbearable.  As the date becomes closer I know I will be engulfed and feel as if I'm suffocating with the reality of the situation.  So many fears I do not wish to write for I simply cannot face them, nor should anyone.  I do not have the strength. 

So for now, the water is dark.  Bare with me as things become even cloudier for some time, because I'm going to need your strength to help get that water clear again.   

La la land

Instead of letting the weight of so many decisions and impending decisions weigh heavily on me, I'm attempting to live in this euphoria where everything is just perfect.  Instead of stressing about having to take some furlough days and the money I won't be taking home, I'll be enjoying the extra family time we get to spend together. 

I'm ignoring the news that, as of yesterday, will not even be here for Halloween.  I can't even begin to let myself go there, as he just got home from a training.  I'm just trying to live one moment at a time. 

The next two weekends will be jam packed with some family time, major tasks needing to get accomplished, and a birthday extravaganza.  These are good things to keep my mind off of the bigger issues at hand. 

I'm afraid, though, that these weekends are going to go by too fast and that the time will come where I will have to face these deep, dark realities that are going to beat me down to nothingness. 

Instead let me enjoy this "la la land" I have allowed myself to embrace because the alternative is nothing but dark.

The tale of the pacis

The beginning....

A long, long time ago, there was a very stubborn young lady pregnant with her first (ok, 2nd, but 1st live birth) baby.  The young lady had many preconceived notions based on research and lots of hearsay.  The mom swore up and down that she would NEVER let her baby take a paci.  She didn't need a paci, because she would console her baby and would be so happy to hear her baby, even if it meant the said baby was crying.  Having a baby in her arms or within arms reach away was all that mattered.  This young mom did stick to her ground and her sweet, little spoiled baby girl never took a paci. 

The not so distant past...

Fast forward in time, and the young lady is successfully pregnant again, but this time with twins.  The young naive lady, was no longer there.  Instead there was a more practical, scared shit less mom about to give birth to two babies. This young mom stocked her house full of many items in preparation for the arrival of the twins and in her cabinet were 4 pacifiers.  2 for each baby.  Yes, pacifiers.  The practical, experienced mom knew that when it came to twins, and parenting in general, that anything goes.  Plus, the mom knew that she only had two hands to tend to 3 children.  These babies took pacis for all naps and bedtime. 

Today....

The very nostalgic mom does not want to let the pacis (that were not to be) go.  The nostalgic mom does not want her babies to grow up, and feels that getting rid of these pacis will just reiterate that her babies are no longer babies.  Nostalgic mom will do almost anything to keep her last babies, just that, babies. 

******I am not ready, I am not ready, I AM NOT READY!*****

Secrets

Raise your hand if you have ever been the loser who has not been allowed to hear a secret.  *Raises hand*  Total loser here who has been left out a time or two from a secret.  I HATED every part of it.  Not knowing what someone feels is so important that they have to whisper it in another's ear, or steps out of the room to make sure no one can hear.  With that said, I have also been on the other side and kept others out of secrets (best one so far would be when I found out the single baby I was having had all of sudden turned into two babies - I think that was easier to keep a secret because I was in complete and utter denial for an extremely long time).

Being on both ends of secret keeping and left outer (making that word up), and I have come to a final conclusion that holding in a secret is much worse.  I'm ripping at the seams wanting to share this secret, and I can't.  I haven't told all the IRL people who read this blog this monstrous secret, and I don't know when I'm going to be ready to.  I'm mostly afraid of being judged for this decision.  I know that in the end, it is only my family that matters, but when it aaffects those around you, as well, it's hard not to think of them.  There are so many issues I need to address concerning this secret, because I can't handle the extent of it all with just the handful of people who know.  I need this space to share all of it.  I need to write it out of me. 

I swear that I'm not telling you all that I have a secret to keep you in suspense, but I needed to find away to somehow share some of this with you now to help lessen the strain I'm already feeling from it all.  I need to be brave and just let it all out (as my blog title says) but for once I can't.  And, it sucks, horribly. 

Oh, and as far as the theme of the twins' birthday party, details to be coming soon-so stay tuned.

On my shoulders

So much has been dumped on me all at once, and I feel like I'm stretched as thin as a strand of hair.  Fragile, and ready to break. 

This week has been beyond crazy.  Head back to work, Eligh gets horribly sick, first day of school for students, news from family that is heart wrenching, supporting everyone around me without supporting myself.  One more little gust of wind and I may just fall over. 

Of course everything is magnified when you actually have a moment to realize just how much you are being stretched.  Last night it truly hit me.  I wound up in bed by 8 pm with a severe migraine.  9 hours later I awoke completely refreshed, but still feeling stretched. 

Trying to be there for every and any one and forgetting my own worries, stress, and support I need from others. 

Just when you think you are about come up for air, something else happens. 

Stress, you have been given an eviction notice, please leave me the hell alone!

Ways not to start your first day back to work

• Stay up way too late the night before
• Be so delusional that you put conditioner in your hair twice
• Have a feverish baby
• Forget your phone at home, leave you a little twitchy all day
• Have extra work to complete sitting in your mail box at work when you arrive.  Definitely makes you a little grumpy
• Discuss having to take 3 days off of work with no pay in first couple hours of work
• Have someone ask you if you have gained weight. 
• Get email from nanny with feverish baby's new high fever
• Have someone tell you something so terrible that it makes you sick to your stomach with helplessness

Get home, feed and bathe everyone.  Spent last night checking on Eligh and his 103.5 fever throughout the night. 

Now we await what today brings.

Nervous Nellie

For the past week, I have been freaking out about a get together with some other bloggers.  Ok, TERRIFIED!!!  I am not the greatest in social situations, ok, I suck at it.  I am shy in any social situation where I don't know (meaning, someone I actually talk to regularly) everyone.  I find that I am mute, afraid to say anything for fear of sounding like a baboon.  Once others get to talking, and asking me questions I can finally speak, but I'm still walking on egg shells until I feel that I have something worthy enough to say. 

When I arrived at Kym's, I wasn't freaking yet, because I knew Kym and Trish (who had arrived before me).  Phew...relief.  Heather and Calliope were still on their way, so I still had time to get settled and a little less freaked out. 

Next to arrive was Heather and her hubby.  Soon after Calliope, her mom, and of course her son W.  Of everyone I was most nervous to meet Calliope.  I twitter along with Heather daily, and she seems just as laid back as I, plus she was just as nervous.  She is THE Calliope.  Amazing writer, photographer,supporter, and just simply amazing.  I felt like I needed to bow down to her as she made her grand entrance, but then it was like meeting old friends.  No weird awkward moments, just simple every day conversations I would have with my IRL friends.  I felt comfortable with my Southern friends.  Everyone ate (Frank's to die for tequila lime ribs), laughed, shared stories, and felt at home.  Calliopie's mom took loads of pictures that she will share when she has time, because taking care of a teething baby can be a handful.  Eligh and W took a picture together, so you all can see how similar they look.  I promise, though, Cody has not made any donations in his lifetime.  (I double-checked with him last night when he called - LOL). 

I recommend to anyone who is scared of meeting bloggers, don't be.  If you read and comment on each other's blog you already know so much about the person that finally putting a face to a name will be like seeing an old friend from school.  When pictures get posted, I will make sure to link over so you can see some Southern gals having a good ole time.